Tony Deyal | Hotter than ever! Looking good

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn,

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

Men and women have a lot in common, but according to actress Katherine Hepburn; “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” However, “star boy” Michael Douglas, at 79, sees it differently, “The one thing that men and women have in common; they both like the company of men.” In a way, that’s true, but it is “not the whole truth and nothing but the truth”. That is for “court-ing”. If we consider jokes about men and women, there are some that include both. For example, you know you are old when you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle, back, and/or side. Also, regardless of your sex, you are old when you can cough, “gas”, sneeze, and “pass water” at the same time. Worst of all, you know you are old when you are too old to care.

However, when it comes to jokes about them, women find jokes less funny than men. Men have no problems with laughing at other men and women. If we look at some of the “men” jokes compared with the “women” jokes, you will see that the women are right. For instance, “What is the difference between men and women?” A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Or, “What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?” The man. There is a double bind in this one, “What’s the difference between a man’s wife and his girlfriend? 60 pounds.” And what’s the difference between a woman’s husband and her boyfriend? 60 minutes.” The final joke on men is, “If you lose something in a senior care home, don’t stop looking until you’ve searched every nook and granny.” Some men tell their older friends, “You know you are old when the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.”

COMPARE JOKES

Now let’s compare the men’s jokes with those about women, and you will see why the ladies are right not to laugh. The first one is: “Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher revealed himself to them. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady couldn’t reach far enough.” Here’s the second: “An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist quickly told her, ‘Excuse me, but I’m not a gynaecologist.’ The old lady replied, ‘I know. I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.’”

Some of the jokes are really more sadistic than funny, like this one: “Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day. They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice she isn’t wearing any panties. ‘Is it cooler without panties?’ they ask. She says, ‘I don’t know if it’s cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon.’” Then there is, “My girlfriend told me that her Gran died of food poisoning. The toughest part was acting surprised.” Another is, “My Gran died of asbestosis. It was terrible. It took us four months to cremate her.” There is the question, “Why did the old lady fall in the well?” The answer is, “Because she couldn’t see that well.” The worst is, “An old woman stopped me and asked, ‘Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital’? I said, ‘No problem.’ Then I pushed her under a bus.” If I was there, I would have been more tempted than he was. I would push him under a “loco-motive”. The last shows the difference between the way men joke about men and how they see men and women: “An old lady yells at her husband who is downstairs, ‘Why don’t you come up stairs and make love to me.’ The husband replied, ‘Ok, but I can’t do both.’”

There is an old calypso by Hubert Porter and The Jamaican Calypsonians (1960/1963 ‘Jamaican Beats’) named, Old Lady You Mash Me Toe (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgDEY7iUv3s), which starts with, “The new dance they got in the town/ Making old women feel like they young/ The new dance they got in the town/ Making old women feel like they young/ Old lady you mashing my toe/ Old lady, the dance isn’t so/ Old lady, leave the people dance/ Read your Bible and give the young girls a chance ... .” Fortunately, many women ignored the singer and the song and created their own way out of the second fiddle into the first where no men had ever reached. They became “granfluencers”, older individuals who have built a reputation for their knowledge or expertise on social media platforms and have gained a substantial following as a result. They are of typical grandparent age, generally 60 or older. Some members are building huge social media followings and partnering with brands.

UNIQUE INFLUENCERS

These unique influencers present an equally unique opportunity for brands to connect with audiences of all ages. This is definitely one area where the men have been left very far behind. This new wave of influencers consists of web-savvy seniors who are pulling in hundreds, thousands, and even millions of followers as well as a lot of cash and big brand deals. One of the older ladies at the top of the granfluencers is the 92-year-old Helen Ruth Elam, who first made a splash at the age of 85 and has around 3.5 million followers on Instagram. Another is Lyn Slater, who is a 67-year-old associate law professor at New York’s Fordham University. She found fame accidentally when she was mistaken for a “fashionista” by photographers at a fashion event. She has 800,000 followers who, like her, believe that ageing gracefully is possible. There is Gree Ghanem, a 59-year-old Canadian Lebanese, queen of “ageless style”, who told Vogue, “We are still here, we are still working, we are still beautiful, we are still contributing to society.” Last year, 90-year-old Carmen Dell’Orefice was on the cover of Vogue as “Eternal Glamour”.

The top of the granfluencers for me and 14 million other people is 94-year-old Lillian Droniak, known as “Grandma Droniak”. At 96, she posts photos of her over-the-top outfits of tight rainbow swimsuits, sequinned raver gear, and her signature, a baby pink bedazzled cane. In some videos she dances. In others, she offers dating advice, warning viewers to steer clear of guys who don’t like bingo. Her immortal words are, “I slay while they lay!” Among the layers who chicken out are the men who are still very, very far behind when and where it matters.

Tony Deyal was last seen saying that in these days of intense heat, older women are very good hot spells, and men better for cough. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.