Navigating your relationship through ‘news carriers'

Ain't nothin' better

We beat the odds together

I'm glad we didn't listen

Look at what we would be missin'

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"

But just look at us holdin' on

We're still together still goin' strong

- Shania Twain, You're Still The One

Sometimes a simple argument in a marriage escalates out of proportion after one party confides private details of the union to a trusted friend. Whether well intentioned or not, the friend's 'good' advice can cause the relationship to deteriorate even more, sometimes shattering it beyond repair.

It is for this reason that couples are encouraged to be careful about who they invite into their space or take news from about their partners.

 

MORE INSIGHT

 

Giving more insight into the topic, Pastor Jermaine Johnson, director of communications, education, and music at the North Jamaica Conference of the Seventh-day Adventist, pointed out that one of the things that affect relationships is the inclusion of third parties in determining how couples relate to each other.

"Many homes are broken apart because of this phenomenon. A marriage is a bond between a man, his wife, and God, and all other individuals must be kept at bay. Marriage requires maturity and responsibility. Thus couples must strive to keep their confidences among themselves," he said.

However, he said that there will be instances when a couple may need advice to assist them with their particular circumstances. When that occurs, he said that it is crucial that they choose very carefully those they bring into the mix of their holy union.

"Don't share your family business with others just for the sake of giving them information. Very soon, it will become news. Don't team up with friends and/or family members against your spouse to try and justify your position. They will more or less choose your side because they're typically closer to you and may not be judicious enough to get your partner's side of the story, thus drawing wrong conclusions," Johnson points out.

He also urged that the consequences of sharing relationship problems with others before doing so, should be carefully thought out. If it proves too much to handle alone, Johnson said that the services of a counsellor should be sought. If it's a trusted friend, then it should be based upon a mutual agreement between both partners.

"Remember, bad news takes the airwaves much quicker than good news. As such, when the confidences of your marriage go out there, people will continue to spread it in a negative light even long after the couple has resolved the issue and moved on," Johnson warned.

 

ANALOGY

 

Using an analogy between third-party insurance and inviting others into marital problems, he said that third-party car insurance doesn't provide full coverage.

"What gets damaged by you gets fixed, but you have no coverage. Stay away from third parties as much as possible, for when the damage occurs, others move on with their lives intact while yours is still broken," he said.

Some relationship boats are often rocked after friends carry news about their partner cheating or being seen in compromising situations. Many partners are willing to take what their friends say to them and run with it even without verifying the details, Johnson said.

"A good relationship requires that your partner be your closest friend, thus, he or she must be trusted and given an opportunity to respond to any allegation that any other friend may bring to you," said Johnson, stressing that people - even those called good friends - have different motives and are sometimes led by selfish ambitions rather than objective concerns for your relationship's success.

"Furthermore, people have been mistaken about what they thought forever. So, as my college professor, Dr Newton Cleghorne, would say, 'Get the facts before you drop the axe' ."

According to Johnson, if you are going to judge your partner based on what somebody else says to you, then at least extend to them the common courtesy of responding to the allegations. He said that it would be sad for a person to take a friend's word above their spouse's, even with what seems like hard evidence, without giving him or her the chance to respond.

Johnson points on the Bible's stance as stated in Ephesians 5 where husbands and wives are admonished to be subject to each other; not to their friends, not to their relatives, but to each other, in the fear of the LORD.

"Sometimes the allegations brought against your spouse may seem credible and indisputable, but always get the truth before you chop the root. Keeping your relationship going takes great sacrifice and trust, for 'a marriage is like a fire; it will go out if unattended'. So if you desire your marriage to keep on blazing a trail, then put in the fuel of love and devotion to each other, and avoid the sticks of other fireplaces," he said.