Whaa gwaan Obaama?

In a shameless act of patronising us on his recent visit, god greeted us with, "Wha a gwaan?", and we were filled with pride. He spoke our mother tongue, the much-deprecated language, the one not spoken by the hoity-toity and the pretentious, the one reserved for hoi polloi. It was a meaningless rhetoric, for me, but I am moved to answer it since I heard how much it cost us to host god. Well, god, dis a wah a gwaan.

Now, since yuh gaan a wole heap a sinting a gwaan. A di tap a di lis is unga an stahvashan. Wi a suck salt chu hoodn spoon more dan eva, an dem a crucify Chronixx, di wan wid di chronic ego problem. Seh im cawl yuh waase man. SMH.

On to more serous tings. A wole heap a pikney a get abuse. Den yuh no hear say Jamaica's soil a wan a di poorest inna di werl? An fram yuh gaan, no more road nuh pave wid seven-inch asphalt, an no more flowas no plant. But more lawyas lack up fi tief dem cliyant's money. But di biggis scandal is dat dactas a use plastic bag fi apron an cap inna aparashan taytas.

Di crab peeple dem wheh dem neva waa yuh fi si, dem come bak wid di crab dem wid dem big mampy claw. How cud di artarity deprive yuh of di appachuunity fi enjoy Jamaican delikaysee?

An den wan ooman goh lite wan ole mattrass inna har yawd an di fyah get wheh an set di entyre coffi reejan ablaze. Cow, goat, dankey, puss, dawg an dranko bahbecue. Lucky ting seh Kanye West, di wan yuh cawl a jackass, neva wen deh nearby.

BAILEY IN ANTS NEST

An yuh did hear dat dem did boo Ryan Bailey, di wan who mock di Lightning Bolt, yuh idol, di wan yuh pose wid? Im did fine imself inna di Ants Nest Stadium, an dem almoos nyam im alive. Di lack a peppa, salt an ketchup save im. An guess who beat im? Asafa, di retired calinda maggle, track an feel posta bway.

So since wi pay suu much fi akomadate yuh, mi waa fi kno waa yuh a duh fi wi. Wi deh glad say yuh cum. An a more dan wan mont now since yuh lef. Wheh de spinoff deh? Wi a spin affa di IMF targit. People a say It's Mama Fault, becausen say shi no andastan nutten bout ecanamix an finance.

An still on di tapic a public city an benefit, mi fine it disterbin dat a Cuba mi hear say di American dem a run fi goh set up bizniz. An dat embassy a goh opin inna Havana. Memba say a Jamaica yuh did cum. So mi really waa fi kno wha a gwaan, fah di massive inna mess of a stress.