Single, content and open

Cecelia Campbell-Livingston

Sunday Gleaner Writer

Many single ladies – Christians or otherwise – start to panic the minute they reach a certain age and realise that ‘Mr Right’ has proven to be elusive. For some, it leads them into settling for the wrong partner, giving them more headaches than they need. For others, they immerse themselves in work and try not to think about their lack of a life companion.

Marcia Yetman, teacher and author of Girl Like Me, in weighing in on the topic with Family and Religion, said living single is not something to be endured, but to be enjoyed.

Stating that she best describes herself as "single, content and open", Yetman noted that, while many will not see the blessings in being single, she does. “I was graced for this season. I understand that all of us [singles] may not be. I support you in your pursuit to exit ‘single land’. No judgement here! It takes a special kind of person to be at peace with being single, although it comes with a different set of challenges. My married friends tell me, so does marriage,” she said.

Admitting that she doesn’t consider herself an expert on being single, Yetman said what she does know is that she has learnt a lot of lessons from her personal struggles.

“The Lord challenged me on the reason behind wanting to get married years ago with the question, 'are you trying to get married to cover your shame of being a single parent'? I had to do a deep soul searching. I think I was,” she said, adding that motives for wanting to escape the single life are really important.

Pointing out that unhealthy motives will cause trauma in a marriage, Yetman warned that the grass might be looking greener on the other side, but it could actually be "artificial turf".

She also had words for those who are sabotaging themselves by scaring off prospective suitors, as she observed that some single women push the narrative of being "self-sufficient” too much.

Recalling an incident that happened to her some years ago where the Lord brought her attention to it, she said, every time someone showed an interest in her, she would quickly let them know she’s a mom and show her self-sufficiency.

“I was not looking for an engine, engine #9 to rescue me. Some of these poor guys weren’t even trying to be that. I wasn’t aware that I was giving off that vibe. I had to self-correct. Be comfortable and confident in who you are and whose you are, but don’t overdo it. Everybody knows you got this [real or imagined],” she noted.

For those who are desperately seeking someone to fill the lonely void, she said a partner cannot do that. That vacuum, she shared, is actually meant to be filled by God.

“In singleness, allow God to fill the ‘empty spaces’ in your life the way He chooses. If He chooses people in some spaces, those individuals will be graced for the task. It will not be a burden but a pleasure,” Yetman points out.

She encouraged singles to acknowledge the struggle, as that struggle can lead to a lot of regrets. She noted that for persons who had an active sex life before they got saved, taking cold showers and reading scriptures is like putting a Band-Aid on a deep wound.

“Singles are all different – one size does not fit all. Keep in my mind that what works for me may not work for you. Singles are looking for practical counsel on how to navigate this season. I find that having a safe place of accountability helps,” she said, adding that the key is in being transparent and allowing yourself to venture into those hidden spaces. Those spaces where your challenges can be addressed in a healthy way.